It’s this wistful emotion mingled with fear that completely
overtakes you. But just for a moment.
~
I’m not really sure quite what triggered it, but for a
fleeting moment I felt my chest constrict and I couldn’t breathe. This was followed by a wave of emotion that
flooded by being, seemingly out of nowhere. So this is what they call
nostalgia.
Honesty time: I’m impatient. I tend to be very in control of
my life. If I am having a rough day or am going through a rough period in my
life, you will never know. I can conceal it.
Moving on.
In my effort to conceal my emotions, in a constant effort to
be a strong woman who others can rely and depend on for emotional stability, I
find myself on rare occasion, being completely and utterly blindsided by any
rush of emotion that cannot be concealed.
I suppose I do not expect weakness from myself. You could
probably play armchair psychiatrist with this issue, I’m sure. But indulge me
for a moment. I have decided that nostalgia may be the best and worst emotion.
If you can even call it an emotion.
Perhaps nostalgia forces us to address those deep rooted
issues in our lives that we find ourselves sweeping deeper and deeper under the
rug. Perhaps it triggers deeply imbedded emotions and memories that we have consciously
chosen to forget. Perhaps nostalgia, although healing in some way, forces us to
take a hard look at our current state of emotions.
I’ve always been a Christian. I have always tried to live a
life worthy of being called a Christian. However, over the past few months I
have given every single aspect of my life, significant or insignificant, to
God. I have entered this new dimension of daily communion with God. In this
process, which is in my opinion, just beginning, I have learned that it can be
a lonely road. In pursuing the perfect will of God for our lives, our paradigms
begin to shift and take on new forms.
Because, the perfect will of God is costly. Surrendering
every aspect of your life to God’s perfect plan is costly. But it is worth
every shred of currency.
My father recently made this statement during a sermon,
“True faith is costly”.
That statement not only resonated with me, but it dealt with
my heart. Believe it or not, faith is not declaring that you’re a Christian. It
is not having a walk with God. True faith is surrendering every single minute
detail of your existence to The Creator who knows infinitely more in a single
second than we as human beings could ever dream in a lifetime.
True faith is going to cost you everything. Jesus simply
stated, “Take up your cross and follow me”. He didn’t offer another option.
Obviously we are not being asked to literally become martyrs and be crucified
like Christ, but He is calling us to a level of trust in Him that seems not
only unconventional but impossible. When you truly “Follow Christ” He requires
that you cast aside your own plans and dreams, and follow His will for your
life.
Now, you’re most likely wondering why in the world this post
is entitled, “Nostalgia”. How does that term pertain at all to the randomness
and complexity of whatever this post becomes.
I’m glad you asked.
In my pursuit to give God every single aspect of my life,
one can become nostalgic for simpler times. One can become nostalgic for a time
when life was carefree and simpler and filled with less responsibility to the
calling that you know you have undoubtedly received. I’ve felt nostalgic for
friendships that we’re once so evident in my life. I’ve felt nostalgic for
someone to truly understand what it is that I’m feeling. Whatever this is. And so here I am, writing,
perhaps just to myself, in an attempt to make sense of this.
Yet, I have found that while nostalgia is a very real
emotion, a sentiment that cannot be expressed easily or simply, there is no
greater joy and fulfillment than pursuing God’s will for your life with every
ounce of your being. There is no greater joy than knowing that God’s plan, His
timing is greater than anything I could construct for myself.
As someone with a Type A personality, I find myself
constantly requesting that God would do things in my timing. Over the weekend,
God spoke to me very clearly, and simply said, “My timing is not your timing.
My ways are not your ways”. And, truly, when in the Bible did God ever move in
our timing? He knows the end from the beginning, and in my impatience, in my
small thinking, I forget that His construction of my life will amount to vastly
more than I could ever dream up on my own.
So I’m saying goodbye to nostalgia.
It’s been real.
Here’s to living a life completely reliant on the Ancient of
Days. Here’s to attempting to live a life that reflects faith at its core.
Nikki!! This post is truly remarkable! I can relate to this post in more ways than one, and I'm so so so thankful you followed your heart and God and posted this! Keep letting God use you, I know you are a blessing to me and so many more! XOXO- Asiah Angelle
ReplyDeleteAsiah! You are so sweet and possess such a beautiful soul. I am so thankful that we have connected over social media. Thank you sweet friend for your incredibly encouraging words. You have no idea how much they mean to me. Here's to hoping I can meet you in person sometime soon.
ReplyDeleteLove forever,
Nicole
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ReplyDeleteTears filled my eyes...I believe God led me here. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteAmazing!!
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