Nostalgia

 

It’s this wistful emotion mingled with fear that completely overtakes you. But just for a moment.

                                                                                                                                                                                               

                                                                                      ~

 

I’m not really sure quite what triggered it, but for a fleeting moment I felt my chest constrict and I couldn’t breathe.  This was followed by a wave of emotion that flooded by being, seemingly out of nowhere. So this is what they call nostalgia.

Honesty time: I’m impatient. I tend to be very in control of my life. If I am having a rough day or am going through a rough period in my life, you will never know. I can conceal it.

Moving on.

In my effort to conceal my emotions, in a constant effort to be a strong woman who others can rely and depend on for emotional stability, I find myself on rare occasion, being completely and utterly blindsided by any rush of emotion that cannot be concealed.

I suppose I do not expect weakness from myself. You could probably play armchair psychiatrist with this issue, I’m sure. But indulge me for a moment. I have decided that nostalgia may be the best and worst emotion. If you can even call it an emotion.

Perhaps nostalgia forces us to address those deep rooted issues in our lives that we find ourselves sweeping deeper and deeper under the rug. Perhaps it triggers deeply imbedded emotions and memories that we have consciously chosen to forget. Perhaps nostalgia, although healing in some way, forces us to take a hard look at our current state of emotions.

I’ve always been a Christian. I have always tried to live a life worthy of being called a Christian. However, over the past few months I have given every single aspect of my life, significant or insignificant, to God. I have entered this new dimension of daily communion with God. In this process, which is in my opinion, just beginning, I have learned that it can be a lonely road. In pursuing the perfect will of God for our lives, our paradigms begin to shift and take on new forms.

Because, the perfect will of God is costly. Surrendering every aspect of your life to God’s perfect plan is costly. But it is worth every shred of currency.

My father recently made this statement during a sermon, “True faith is costly”.

That statement not only resonated with me, but it dealt with my heart. Believe it or not, faith is not declaring that you’re a Christian. It is not having a walk with God. True faith is surrendering every single minute detail of your existence to The Creator who knows infinitely more in a single second than we as human beings could ever dream in a lifetime.

True faith is going to cost you everything. Jesus simply stated, “Take up your cross and follow me”. He didn’t offer another option. Obviously we are not being asked to literally become martyrs and be crucified like Christ, but He is calling us to a level of trust in Him that seems not only unconventional but impossible. When you truly “Follow Christ” He requires that you cast aside your own plans and dreams, and follow His will for your life.

Now, you’re most likely wondering why in the world this post is entitled, “Nostalgia”. How does that term pertain at all to the randomness and complexity of whatever this post becomes.

I’m glad you asked.

In my pursuit to give God every single aspect of my life, one can become nostalgic for simpler times. One can become nostalgic for a time when life was carefree and simpler and filled with less responsibility to the calling that you know you have undoubtedly received. I’ve felt nostalgic for friendships that we’re once so evident in my life. I’ve felt nostalgic for someone to truly understand what it is that I’m feeling. Whatever this is. And so here I am, writing, perhaps just to myself, in an attempt to make sense of this.

Yet, I have found that while nostalgia is a very real emotion, a sentiment that cannot be expressed easily or simply, there is no greater joy and fulfillment than pursuing God’s will for your life with every ounce of your being. There is no greater joy than knowing that God’s plan, His timing is greater than anything I could construct for myself.

As someone with a Type A personality, I find myself constantly requesting that God would do things in my timing. Over the weekend, God spoke to me very clearly, and simply said, “My timing is not your timing. My ways are not your ways”. And, truly, when in the Bible did God ever move in our timing? He knows the end from the beginning, and in my impatience, in my small thinking, I forget that His construction of my life will amount to vastly more than I could ever dream up on my own.

So I’m saying goodbye to nostalgia.

It’s been real.

Here’s to living a life completely reliant on the Ancient of Days. Here’s to attempting to live a life that reflects faith at its core.