Nostalgia

 

It’s this wistful emotion mingled with fear that completely overtakes you. But just for a moment.

                                                                                                                                                                                               

                                                                                      ~

 

I’m not really sure quite what triggered it, but for a fleeting moment I felt my chest constrict and I couldn’t breathe.  This was followed by a wave of emotion that flooded by being, seemingly out of nowhere. So this is what they call nostalgia.

Honesty time: I’m impatient. I tend to be very in control of my life. If I am having a rough day or am going through a rough period in my life, you will never know. I can conceal it.

Moving on.

In my effort to conceal my emotions, in a constant effort to be a strong woman who others can rely and depend on for emotional stability, I find myself on rare occasion, being completely and utterly blindsided by any rush of emotion that cannot be concealed.

I suppose I do not expect weakness from myself. You could probably play armchair psychiatrist with this issue, I’m sure. But indulge me for a moment. I have decided that nostalgia may be the best and worst emotion. If you can even call it an emotion.

Perhaps nostalgia forces us to address those deep rooted issues in our lives that we find ourselves sweeping deeper and deeper under the rug. Perhaps it triggers deeply imbedded emotions and memories that we have consciously chosen to forget. Perhaps nostalgia, although healing in some way, forces us to take a hard look at our current state of emotions.

I’ve always been a Christian. I have always tried to live a life worthy of being called a Christian. However, over the past few months I have given every single aspect of my life, significant or insignificant, to God. I have entered this new dimension of daily communion with God. In this process, which is in my opinion, just beginning, I have learned that it can be a lonely road. In pursuing the perfect will of God for our lives, our paradigms begin to shift and take on new forms.

Because, the perfect will of God is costly. Surrendering every aspect of your life to God’s perfect plan is costly. But it is worth every shred of currency.

My father recently made this statement during a sermon, “True faith is costly”.

That statement not only resonated with me, but it dealt with my heart. Believe it or not, faith is not declaring that you’re a Christian. It is not having a walk with God. True faith is surrendering every single minute detail of your existence to The Creator who knows infinitely more in a single second than we as human beings could ever dream in a lifetime.

True faith is going to cost you everything. Jesus simply stated, “Take up your cross and follow me”. He didn’t offer another option. Obviously we are not being asked to literally become martyrs and be crucified like Christ, but He is calling us to a level of trust in Him that seems not only unconventional but impossible. When you truly “Follow Christ” He requires that you cast aside your own plans and dreams, and follow His will for your life.

Now, you’re most likely wondering why in the world this post is entitled, “Nostalgia”. How does that term pertain at all to the randomness and complexity of whatever this post becomes.

I’m glad you asked.

In my pursuit to give God every single aspect of my life, one can become nostalgic for simpler times. One can become nostalgic for a time when life was carefree and simpler and filled with less responsibility to the calling that you know you have undoubtedly received. I’ve felt nostalgic for friendships that we’re once so evident in my life. I’ve felt nostalgic for someone to truly understand what it is that I’m feeling. Whatever this is. And so here I am, writing, perhaps just to myself, in an attempt to make sense of this.

Yet, I have found that while nostalgia is a very real emotion, a sentiment that cannot be expressed easily or simply, there is no greater joy and fulfillment than pursuing God’s will for your life with every ounce of your being. There is no greater joy than knowing that God’s plan, His timing is greater than anything I could construct for myself.

As someone with a Type A personality, I find myself constantly requesting that God would do things in my timing. Over the weekend, God spoke to me very clearly, and simply said, “My timing is not your timing. My ways are not your ways”. And, truly, when in the Bible did God ever move in our timing? He knows the end from the beginning, and in my impatience, in my small thinking, I forget that His construction of my life will amount to vastly more than I could ever dream up on my own.

So I’m saying goodbye to nostalgia.

It’s been real.

Here’s to living a life completely reliant on the Ancient of Days. Here’s to attempting to live a life that reflects faith at its core.

 

Why Me - A Book Review

Truth be told, I never write book reviews, however I made an exception for the NEWLY RELEASED book, Why Me written by my incredible friend, Misty Michael.

Guys. This book. The feels.

Why Me is the perfect combination of exceptionally raw honesty and intricate, dark depth. This book paints a genuine picture of the darkest corridor of sin and takes you along on her ride into His marvelous light. This project is truly a testament to the power God. While reading her heart wrenching story you will fall in love the boundless grace of Jesus Christ all over again.

This is the kind of project that one stumbles upon and leaves forever changed. Misty’s story will stay with you long after you have turned the last page. Her testimony is one that can only be described as unbelievable.

Misty was raised in church and loved the Lord, yet was succumbed to sexual abuse as a child. Later on in her young adult life she was also mentally and physically abused all while struggling with serious drug addiction. So many people experience abuse in some form, but feel that they cannot speak about it without judgement or repercussions of some sort. Yet, this book courageously tells the story of a woman who allowed God to use all of her strengths…and all of her deep seeded wounds to help heal the hearts of women all around the world.

I promise you this: By reading Misty’s book, you will find yourself beginning to heal.

That is without a doubt.

You will find God speaking to you within and through the pages of this novel. Misty has allowed God to use her as a vessel to speak into the lives of those whose pain appears overwhelming and unending. This is a sensational novel.

Thank you, Misty, for being brave enough to change the world. May God bless this endeavor more than you could ever dream.

 

You can purchase Misty's book at http://whymebook.com/ 

 

 

Bigger |

I consistently have life-altering thoughts while on planes.

It happens like clockwork.

Airports are bizarre in that sense: they force you to contemplate your life with unusual scrutiny. I’ve come to the conclusion that I have these experiences while flying because I am so entirely out of my element. While in the air, I find myself seeing things as they truly are rather than how I want them to be.

And there’s this point when flying at night that the world is visible from an eerily high altitude. It was then that I suddenly had a realization of how truly insignificant I am. Not to say that I don’t matter or that individuals are unimportant, but I realized how small I was in the sense that this world is such a massive place. Problems that appear so immense are really quite small in relation to the monstrosity that is our planet.

I was soon faced with the realization that the majority of the population beneath me were entirely lost. Spiritually lost.

It’s an overwhelming revelation, because prior to this I was reminded of my very apparent insignificance. I was reminded that I am one soul surrounded by a vast ocean of lost souls. It is perhaps one of the most burdening, consuming realizations known to man.

Yet, what is one to do? What effect can one human truly have in the midst of a sea of lost souls? The Bible reveals that heaven rejoices when one soul is saved, yet my mind instantly wanders to the remaining souls that have yet to be won.

It’s daunting. It’s frightening. It’s humbling.

Yet, what are we to do?

The answer is simple. We must allow our burden for souls to move beyond contemplation to a state of action. We must allow our paradigms to not only shift but to grow bigger. Our willingness to serve must expand to something bigger.

Because the truth is this: revival does not begin in a sanctuary, but it begins in the heart of an individual and moves outward.

I’ve decided to allow The Great Commission to entirely consume my life. I don’t want it to simply be a portion of my life; I want my life to revolve around the purpose of the cross.

This is for all of you who find yourself unsatisfied with your impact on the world. You are capable of making a truly significant, earth-shattering impact on the world. Here’s to winning that vast ocean of lost souls because the time is now. Here’s to doing something bigger with our lives, something that’s bigger than ourselves.

“Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations…” – Matthew 28:19 AMP

15 Lessons I've Learned in 2015

WHAT'S UP GUYS.

I’m sure you’re all well aware that 2016 is on the horizon, bringing 2015 to a close. I can honestly say that 2015 has been a year of personal growth. At least, I hope it has. I think we all have this habit of making a million New Year’s resolutions and maybe keeping a total of two of them, but maybe life is more about making really monumental strides to be a better individual than setting unattainable, unrealistic yearly goals. Maybe life is about becoming everything you’ve ever wanted to be, one small choice at a time. Because the truth is, your life is comprised of a million tiny, insignificant decisions that amount to something pretty monumental.

I heard this statement in a message over the summer that really was a paradigm shift for me.

“It’s time to start acting like who you want to become.”

I’m sure you’re thinking, Wow, yeah, my mind is completely blown…because maybe, you’ve known this truth for ages and I’m just now catching up. But, that statement become somewhat of a life motto to me. Because, I think I get trapped into believing this mentality that you have to be a certain age to really be the kind of person you’ve always dreamed of being, or you have to be married, or graduated from college or whatever it may be. But, the truth is you can be who you want to be right now, in this very moment. It’s time to start acting like who you want to become.  

One of the most beautiful things about life is the ability to reinvent yourself. To have a fresh start. To live with the knowledge that you aren’t finished creating you were created to be. Here are some realizations I’ve come to in the past 12 months.

Without further ado, here are 15 things I’ve learned in 2015.

1.)    Not everyone is going to like you….and that’s okay.

Once again, I’m sure you’re absolutely shocked at this mind blowing revelation. But truly, it’s okay that you’re not everyone’s cup of tea. Just because a handful of people don’t care for you doesn’t mean that you are any less of a person.

2.)    The amount of followers you have is so completely irrelevant to actual life.

This is something I learned before 2015, but this year has definitely solidified my belief in the above statement. Guys, take it from someone who has “a lot of followers”. Followers and likes are SO irrelevant to real life. If you’re basing your happiness on the validation and affirmation you receive via social media, your worth will be contrived by something that is make believe. You are worth so much more than Instagram likes and Twitter Retweets.

3.)    Don’t forget the things that make you- YOU.

If you’re reading this you’ve probably already realized that I haven’t written anything since October. I know, crazy. I’ve realized that if I’m not writing and I’m not doing music, I don’t really know who I am. The whole thing kind of astounds me. If I’m not creating something and pouring my passions into an outlet, I feel completely lost and void of meaning and purpose. Don’t lose the things that make you who you are. You are who you are for a reason.

4.)    Your friendships will change…and that’s okay.

One of the hardest things about life is that it’s an ever changing cycle. Our lives consist of seasons and some friendships are not capable of transitioning to your next season. But, that’s okay, because life is all about that.

 

5.)    Traveling makes you richer.

Travel as often as you possibly can. Those experiences make life worth living.

6.)    You can wear navy with black.

Enough said.

7.)    Reading your Bible daily makes a massive impact on the outcome of your day/life.

Absorb the Word. Study the word. Live the Word. As Francis Chan says so bluntly, “I want to be someone who walked out of the Bible, not just the Bible belt”. For as long as I can remember I have always been obsessed with literature that was capable of moving me, whether to action or to realize a deep rooted emotion. I love the power of the written word. Words are powerful entities that have unparalleled effects. And after finishing reading the entire Bible this afternoon I am convinced that I will never stumble upon a work as powerful or life altering or moving as The Word.  No matter how many times you read it, it has the potential to speak to your heart in a way that is vastly different from the former. Trust me on this one.

8.)    Saving your money is the best thing you can do for your future.

Take it from a former shopaholic. Save. It gets you further in life.

9.)    Witnessing doesn’t have to be conventional.

I think sometimes our definition of being a witness for Jesus Christ is very limited. I think stepping out of your comfort zone and really allowing God to speak through you in a given moment is the most beautiful form of witnessing. That person on the plane or that cashier at Sam’s Club or that woman in your writing class all want to know about the love of Christ. Exude love. Radiate grace. Be unconventional.

10.) Your parents know way more about life than you realize.

Weird. Throughout the majority of your teenage years, you have this stigma that your parents have no idea what they’re talking about. But. The truth is, taking their advice beforehand saves you so much heartache.

11.) Realizing that people are imperfect and flawed, yet choosing to see the best in them anyway is one of the greatest things you can do for humanity.

Perfect humans are nonexistent, however humans are capable of having perfect moments. It is important to focus on those moments, instead of critiquing and criticizing. Because, hey. You want them to see the good in you!

12.) Drinking more coffee than is recommended per day actually makes you a happier person.

I’m just gonna leave that one.

13.) Invest in great perfume. Trust me.

 

14.) Every person is somebody. Each and every person you come into contact with has worth.

I think sometimes we get into this mindset that only “cool” people are worth getting to know. But every single person has worth and value and something to offer the kingdom.

15.) Moments.

Lastly, and most importantly, I’ve realized that those moments I have driving myself to work at 5:45 AM when it’s just me and Jesus are the most precious moments in the world. You know those moments where you realize how magnificent God is and how insignificant you are, yet he chooses to love you despite that. Those moments are the reason I’m alive.

Here’s to 2016. Bring it on.

 

Skin Deep |

One of the biggest problems with humanity is the fact that we are naturally programmed to instantaneously judge someone off of their appearance. We are taught early on that first impressions are wildly important. We learn quickly that being “pretty” automatically makes you a much “cooler” person on the ladder of popularity. Why is that though? Why is it that we naturally make assessments of people solely based on what they look like?

Recently, I had a conversation with a great friend of mine, who happens to be a very attractive individual. This person said something to me in conversation that really resonated with me. They said, “They only like me for what I look like. It’s like what kind of person I am doesn’t matter to them”. This whole conversation was so thought provoking to me, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this issue, this immense disservice to humankind, is universal.

Studies show startling statistics about attractiveness and how it relates to your career, your social life and people’s overall perception of who you are as an individual. In fact, I recently read an article in preparation for this blog post that stated that attractive people earn 10-15% more than the average looking person. That. Is. Insane. That actually kind of blew my mind. Why is it that humans are obsessed with beauty?

Why is it that we often ignore a wildly beautiful, passionate, intoxicating soul for a shell?

After reading the above statement, I assume that your mind immediately travels to those “less fortunate” who are granted less than perfect features. Yet, this, my friends, can go both ways.

While there are obvious perks to being physically attractive there are downsides as well. In the case of my friend, people constantly referred to them as attractive and simply stopped there. They fail to look within this person’s soul and really discover who they are at their very core. Because, the startling, haunting truth is that the vast majority of people only look Skin Deep. Perhaps, you have even experienced this injustice to some degree. Perhaps you have not been taken seriously because of what your outward appearance. There may even be those who have written you off because they haven’t taken the time to examine the soul and the vivid, wonderful personality beneath the skin. And in all honesty, what a travesty. We often fail to realize the worth and depth of a human being because we only look at their exterior: their shell. The Bible confirms this in 1 Samuel 16:7, “People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (NIV).

For whatever reason, I feel burdened to tell you that you are so much more than what you look like. Do not let your beautiful, incredible, brilliant soul be defined by your shell. Your exterior is not a reflection of your interior. Do not let your calling be stifled by the world’s definition of you. Being beautiful is not your only gift or sole contribution to the world, or more importantly, to the Kingdom. You are so much more than “pretty”. You have been called to do so much more than be beautiful and be a trophy on someone’s arm. To settle for being a “trophy wife or trophy husband” would be a disservice to the person that you truly are inside. God’s purpose for you exceeds any label that the world could brand you with, because beneath the skin, you have a heart that beats for a specific, God given purpose. You are capable of more than you could ever imagine. And that, my friends, is something worthy of attention.

If today you are feeling that somehow you don’t measure up, and maybe you don’t find yourself particularly beautiful, let me tell you this: “You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you.” – Song of Solomon 4:7 (NIV). You were created for a very unique purpose that will be greater than something as fleeting beauty.

Never allow someone to limit who you are because of your appearance. Do not settle for someone who limits the person that you know you are inside.

Look deeper than the skin. What you find within the corridors of your soul may astound you.

XOXO

Nikkimarie

This is Living Now |

 

Your whole life you hear about God bringing people out but you will never truly understand the power of Jesus Christ until you are brought to a low point in your life, when you feel like you are completely alone and have no one to turn to and no one to comfort you. Suddenly, your relationship with God moves from claiming to be a Christian to living like you’ve been redeemed.

About a week ago I realized that I haven’t shared my personal testimony on the blog, and to continue with the vulnerability thread of my last post, I decided that I should share it unabashedly, because God has been entirely too good for me not share it. I’ve never had any desire to share this particular, very personal chapter of my life, however, I feel that now enough time has passed for me to really reflect, open up and hopefully encourage someone in the process.

At the close of a certain chapter in my life, I found myself ecstatic. Life was moving along just as I had hoped it would. Everything that I planned for my life had come to pass in the best way possible. I was driven. I was focused. I was excited about the many possibilities and opportunities. I had so many plans for my life, so many dreams, so many goals that I wanted to accomplish.

Seemingly out of nowhere, several serious situations arose in my life. I can honestly say that I have never felt more hopeless and disoriented in my entire life. All of my plans and goals seemed to crumble in an instant. My life took an incredibly unexpected turn. I remember feeling so purposeless, so completely void of understanding. I can still remember staying up night after night crying out to God for some semblance of direction. I was emotionally wounded and trying desperately to make sense of the turn my life had taken. Yet, I can truly say that I am thankful that God took me through that particular season of my life. I have realized that sometimes we must endure seasons of breaking. I have found that when you find yourself broken, confused and purposeless that God will pour into you in an unprecedented way that will leave you in awe.

Sometimes you spend your whole life hearing about the power of Jesus without truly understanding it. Sometimes God allows you to go through things for the sole purpose of building your trust and personal relationship with Him. I can tell you that from experience I know that God is undoubtedly the Prince of Peace because I have felt peace in the midst of confusion and pain. I know that God is the mender of broken hearts because He made me whole again. I know that God is the lover of my soul because He wrapped his arms around me when I felt worthless. I know that God is the sole answer for any circumstance because He has proved it to me time and time again.

Jesus is the greatest thing that can ever happen to you. I promise you this: If you allow yourself to trust God without hesitation He will take your relationship with Him to a level that you never dreamed was possible. In spite of challenging situations, God was with me. He has never left me. He gave me new life again and that, my friends, is something that I hope I will never stop celebrating.

I decided last week to share this intimate story with you because I want you to know that God is so real and that He is, as the Bible so eloquently puts it, “ever present in times of trouble”. My life currently reflects that of an individual who has been redeemed. Not just a Pastor’s daughter who has witnessed God move in the lives of others, but instead one who has experienced His love to an insane, almost unreal degree. God is so good. We say this often. It has become a cliché of sorts. But, God truly has been so good to me.

You will never fully understand the love of Jesus Christ until you’ve reached a point of desperation. The phrase, “God is love” has no meaning until he has given you renewed purpose and passion.

Choose Jesus.

“All is new in the Savior I am found. This is living now.”

The Highlight Reel

I think the problem with our generation is that we compare ourselves to the façade that others have laid out before us via social media posts. Is it possible that we compare ourselves not to an individual at their core, but instead to their highlight reel. As viewers we see the flawless pictures and positive posts, but we fail to see the hurt they endure and the wounds that are hidden beneath the surface. One of the greatest misconceptions is that how someone represents themselves on social media is a true representation of how they truly are.

Personally, I am the type of person who refuses to post my annoyances or issues on social media. I feel that Facebook is not a place to “face” my problems. Yet, somehow people feel that because I shy away from blasting my feelings on a social media site for the world to see that my life is somehow perfect, or that problems never arise in my life.

I have come to the realization that we must view social media as a highlight reel. We cannot compare our everyday, often mundane lives to someone else’s highlight reel.

Over the course of the past two or three months, I felt God speak very clearly to me about becoming more vulnerable. I have always been the type of person to shield my emotions in an attempt to save myself from hurt or rejection. I’ve always had this obsession with being this enigma, this girl who nobody really knew but everybody knows.  Over time, I have come to the conclusion that this obsession stems from my belief that being vulnerable is a weakness, that somehow showing feeling and allowing people to see my open wounds would damage me more than I could afford. Recently, however, I felt this desire to truly be vulnerable. Vulnerability is one of the most frightening things in the entire world. Allowing people to see my weaknesses is something that I will always struggle with, yet, how can I minister and speak into the lives of people dealing with hurt, pain and rejection if I cannot relate to them. This is the conclusion that I came to. I have realized that there must be a reason that thousands of people from dozens of different countries read this blog. Vulnerability. That is the key.

Time after time I have poured my heart out on this blog. I believe that is the reason that so many read it. I’d like to think that maybe I’m a decent writer, but perhaps you’re reading this simply because you feel a connection, perhaps you relate to the things that I write about. Those of you who read this, you are the people who truly know me. You know my heart and who I truly am at my core.

Earnest Hemmingway once said, “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed”. My thoughts exactly.

If you get nothing else from this post, aside from my very apparent appreciation to you all, understand that my life via social media is indeed a highlight reel. Perfect lives do not exist. Understand that between each flawless post there will always be moments of hurt, pain and rejection. Understand that social media is a façade, it is not, nor will ever be reality. Social media has been one of the greatest tools, personally, to make friends across the country, and around the world, however, remember the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

If I could encourage you to do anything I would simply encourage you to be vulnerable. Whether it’s on social media or in person, remember that you cannot allow yourself to be so removed or so “cool” that you don’t allow people to hear about the goodness of Jesus. I deal with certain issues that maybe you do not, but there are trials that God has allowed you to go through that I will never face. Be vulnerable. I promise you, by allowing people to see you at your core, in your rawest form, God will then give you power to minister like never before. Just over a week ago, on the flight home from Oklahoma City, a woman in her late fifties, poured her heart out to me. The conversation began with small talk, but transitioned quickly into something much deeper. This woman, worth millions, began, with tears streaming down her face, to tell me her story. Yet, if I hadn’t been vulnerable with her, God never would have opened the door for me to minister to her. Vulnerability can be your greatest asset. Take it from me, being an enigma gets old quickly. Remember that social media is simply a highlight reel. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and authentic and you will see God work through your life in ways that you never imagined.

“For My strength is made perfect in weakness”

XOXO

Nikkimarie

PS: Do yourself a favor and go purchase my friend, Justin Michael’s Song “Exposed” on Itunes. Its phenomenal.